Andrew Dice Clay – Ramp Life

“OHHHHHHHH! You ever see these ramp agents? These f***in’ animals in reflective vests, sweatin’ their balls off in July, freezin’ ‘em solid in January. They think they’re superheroes ‘cause they can chuck a Samsonite forty feet across a cart. HEY! Super-Baggage-Man! Faster than a claim check, stronger than a lav cart hose!”

“You ever watch ‘em push back a plane? You got two guys wavin’ wands, one guy on the headset, and six guys standin’ around scratchin’ their balls. Then the captain waves, and they act like they just launched the f***in’ space shuttle! ‘We did it, boys!’ Yeah, teamwork my ass. The only thing you worked was your smoke break!”

“And don’t get me started on lav service… oh yeah, sexy job! Hookin’ up hoses to the airplane toilet like it’s foreplay with Satan. One wrong move and BAM! You’re takin’ a shower in 300 people’s Taco Bell. You go home smellin’ like blue juice, and your wife’s like, ‘Honey, I’m sleepin’ on the couch!’ OHHHHH!”

(paces, pointing at the crowd)
“And the rookies? They throw ‘em in the belly first day. Hundred degrees in summer, minus thirty in winter, sittin’ on hockey bags that smell like a dead f***in’ moose. Kid comes outta there lookin’ like he’s been through ‘Nam. Welcome to the ramp, junior!”

Filthy Aviation Nursery Rhymes

(flicks cigarette, grins at front row)
“You want poetry? You want nursery rhymes? Lemme tell ya how they sound on the ramp!”

1.
Hickory dickory dock,
The rampie forgot the chock…
The jet rolled away, the captain screamed “HEY!”
Now that kid’s punchin’ a clock!

2.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To load a Delta flight…
Jack threw bags, Jill threw her back,
Now they’re both f**ed for the night!*

3.
Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn…
The belt loader’s dead, and the plane’s late ‘til morn.
Where is the lead? Out back havin’ a smoke…
Where is the rookie? Passed out, that’s no joke!

4.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall…
‘Cause the marshaller tripped on a cone,
Now the tug’s f**in’ totaled, all alone!*

5.
Mary had a little lamb,
She tried to check it in…
The rampies said, ‘Put it in live cargo, lady!’
— Then ate gyros in the bin! OHHHH!

6.
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone…
She ended up ramp-side, flippin’ the bird,
‘Cause her bag went to Des Moines!

7.
There was a crooked man, who drove a crooked tug…
He loaded crooked bags with a crooked little shrug.
They were bound for Houston, but they landed in Peru…
Now he’s fillin’ out reports, with his supervisor too!

8.
Baa baa black sheep, have you any bags?
Yes sir, yes sir, three bins full of shags…
One for the captain, one for the dame,
And one for the ramp rat, who’ll never walk the same!

“So next time you see a ramp rat at the airport, give him a salute — or better yet, give him a chiropractor’s business card. HEY! Ramp life, baby. It’s dirty, it’s loud, it’s f***in’ poetry! OHHHHHHHHHHH!”