No Respect from the Great White North

I tell ya, folks, I get no respect. No respect at all!

Just yesterday, I flew into Toronto for Canada Day. At the airport, the customs guy asks me, “Do you have anything to declare?” I said, “Yeah, I’m glad to be here!” He gave me a strip search!

But Happy Canada Day, everybody! July First! What a beautiful country. You guys love nature. My wife, she loves nature too. Last year for Canada Day, she wanted to see the Great Canadian Wilderness. So I took her out into the deep woods. She got attacked by a grizzly bear! I tried to help, but the bear looked at me and said, “Hey, buddy, I’m trying to eat here, do you mind?” No respect!

And what’s with the weather up here? The weather is crazy! The flight attendant told me, “In Canada, we have four distinct seasons.” Yeah, I found out what they are: Winter, More Winter, Still Winter, and Road Construction! I stepped out of the hotel this morning, it was so cold I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets!

I decided to try some of that famous Canadian food. I went to a local diner and ordered “Poutine.” Fries, cheese curds, and gravy. I asked the doctor if it was bad for my heart. He said, “Rodney, eating that is the closest you’ll ever get to a religious experience—because you’re gonna meet God ten minutes later!”

Then I tried Tim Hortons. I ordered a “Double-Double.” I thought it was a drink, turns out it’s my wife’s dress size! I told the cashier, “My wife is a beautiful woman, she’s got a face like a flower.” He said, “Yeah, a cauliflower!”

I wanted to see some real Canadian culture, so I went to a hockey game. What a sport! I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out! I tried to ice skate once myself. I fell down so many times, the Zamboni tried to clear me off the ice!

Even the money here is weird. You got the Loonie and the Toonie. I showed my wallet to a guy on the street, he looked at my cash and said, “Hey, you’ve got a Loonie!” I said, “Hey, leave my wife out of this!”

But I gotta tell ya, Canadian people are too nice. They really are. Everybody says “Sorry.” I bumped into a guy on the street today, he apologized to me! I bumped into a statue of Sir John A. Macdonald, the statue turned around and said, “Excuse me, eh?”

I went back to my hotel room to watch the Canada Day fireworks. My wife was already in bed. I said, “Honey, how about we make our own fireworks tonight?” She handed me a book of matches and told me to go stand in the rain!

No respect! Thank you very much!