—or—
“A Tale of Chips, Chumps, and Cheezies Gone Wrong!”
It was a slow Thursday afternoon at Gate 22, the kind of shift where the only thing moving faster than the luggage belt was the urge to punch out and nap in a lav cart. SoupBone, our overly enthusiastic ramp rat, had just wrapped up a mighty battle with a jammed cargo bin (and lost) when he heard it…
“CLUNK-CLUNK… TWIRRRRRRRR-rrrrrrrrrrk…”
The sound every snack-hungry rampie dreads.
The vending machine spiral of doom.
SoupBone hustled over, badge still clipped, gloves hanging from one pocket like a fashion disaster. Standing there, looking far too pleased with himself, was none other than The Vending Machine Bandit — an elusive airport menace known for shaking, tilting, and full-body tackling vending machines in search of free snacks.
His real name?
Nobody knows. Some say he used to be a cabin service guy. Others whisper he’s a rogue gate agent gone feral after being denied overtime in 1997. All we know is… he wears a safety vest that says “SECURITY” in duct tape.
THE STAKES: A dangling bag of BBQ chips.
SoupBone stepped up.
“Hey pal, you didn’t pay for that!”
“Neither did the CEO for those bonuses, now beat it,” the Bandit grunted, still shaking the machine like it owed him child support.
SoupBone, who hadn’t eaten since his “breakfast” (two Tic Tacs and a pocket lint surprise), wasn’t backing down.
So began the Snack Attack Showdown of Gate 22.
ROUND ONE: The Staredown
SoupBone squinted.
The Bandit gritted his teeth.
A tumbleweed rolled by (later discovered to be a rogue ball of duct tape and shredded ramp gloves).
ROUND TWO: Vending Machine Jiu-Jitsu
The Bandit went low, sweeping SoupBone’s feet with a mop handle.
SoupBone countered with a high kick that knocked loose a pack of Skittles (neutral casualty).
A crowd gathered. Someone yelled, “LEAVE THE SNACKS — FIGHT FOR THE COOKIES!”
ROUND THREE: The Final Crunch
Just as the Bandit lunged for the stuck chips, SoupBone whipped out his secret weapon:
A fork from the crew room leftover drawer, bent at a perfect 92° angle.
He jabbed the vending coil.
The chips fell.
Victory.
But before SoupBone could claim his crunchy prize, the Bandit dropped a smoke bomb made from expired powdered soup packets and disappeared into the swirling haze of MSG and crushed onion flavor.
When the fog cleared, the chips were gone.
So was the Bandit.
In his place, taped to the machine, a note:
“You win this round, SoupBone. But next time… it’s Cheezies at Gate 17.”
EPILOGUE:
Security reviewed the tape and said it was “too awesome” to delete. It now plays on loop in the breakroom.
SoupBone remains on high alert.
And the vending machine?
Still out of order.
