Meet Rick “Roadside” Rinaldi, a food truck driver with the culinary flair of a chili dog and the vacation planning skills of a concussed pigeon.
Tired of flipping burgers and dodging union meetings, Rick wanted an adventure.
But instead of calling a travel agent like a normal person, he pulled out a dart, closed his eyes, spun around three times like a Price is Right contestant, and launched it at a map tacked to the breakroom wall (right beside a motivational poster of a sloth that said “Hang in there”).
The dart missed Aruba.
Missed Hawaii.
Missed anywhere with a swim-up bar.
It landed on… Colombia.
Not the university. The country.
Back in the late 70s. You know, peak “bring your own ransom money” season.
Rick, ever the optimist (or lunatic), shrugged and said,
“Welp, fate has spoken. Time to pack my flip-flops and Spanish phrasebook.”
Welcome to Bogotá!
After touching down in Bogotá with nothing but a fanny pack, a novelty passport holder, and a T-shirt that read “Gringos Do It Better,” Rick set off to immerse himself in local culture—which, to Rick, meant drinking something suspicious from a roadside stand and shouting “¡Mucho gusto!” at stray dogs.
Within 14 minutes, Rick had already:
- Taken a selfie with a llama
- Traded his shoes for a bongo drum
- Asked a man with a machete for directions to Señor Frogs
And then, it happened.
Two local “entrepreneurs” approached him.
One asked, “¿Tiene dinero?”
The other asked, “¿Tiene cerebro?”
Rick answered both with, “I only speak Canadian, sorry.”
They gently helped him empty his pockets, remove his fanny pack, and test the elasticity of his travel insurance with a complimentary “Bogotá Goodbye Punch” right to the nose.
Rick Returns
Rick returned home 10 pounds lighter (wallet included), with a black eye, half a poncho, and a new tattoo he doesn’t remember getting that reads “Pan con Queso 4 Life.”
His coworkers asked:
“Would you do it again?”
Rick replied:
“Absolutely! Next time I throw a dart, I’m aiming for Scarbough.”
Moral of the story?
Never trust a dart. Never wear a tourist shirt in Bogotá. And always—ALWAYS—buy travel insurance that covers “miscellaneous stupidity.”
AAS: Reporting on travel, trauma, and tortillas since… probably never.
