Or How to Lose a Friend, Soak Him in Gasoline, and Almost Spark an International Aviation Disaster… All Before Coffee Break!
It was 1982. The hair was feathered, the jeans were tight, and the tarmacs were crawling with legends. Among them was one Tim Gillard, a ramp lead with a flair for chaos and a crew that read like a rejected boy band: Floyd Avis, Timothy Deacon, and Gabe “Doobs” Bunter—each one a master of the craft, if the craft involved pranks, pushbacks, and plausible deniability.
Enter: Dario Carlucci, the newest victim—er, member—of the ramp team.
It all went downhill faster than a 737 on de-ice day…
THE PUSHBACK PRANK
It was supposed to be a simple push. But nothing’s ever simple when Gillard’s in charge and the crew’s been living on vending machine coffee and half-sleep since 1979. As the plane rolled back from the gate, Dario found himself mysteriously “locked” in the belly of the aircraft.
The plan? Let him out at the end.
The execution? Smooth as a ramp tug with two flat tires.
Then came The Captain’s Voice over comms:
“Hey uh… just checking… you gonna let that guy out of the cargo hold?”
Gillard responded like a seasoned pro:
“Of course, Captain. We always release the prisoners… eventually.”
THE FREAKOUT
Meanwhile, in the belly of the beast, Dario was experiencing every vein in his head coming online like runway lights at midnight.
By the time the push was complete, and Dario emerged red-faced and rage-filled, the crew had already entered Phase Two of the Chaos Plan™: Pretend like nothing happened.
Dario didn’t find it funny.
He stormed off toward the locker room, muttering something about “Geneva Conventions.”
GASOLINE AND FURY
And that’s when the universe said, “Let’s really light him up.”
As Dario stomped past a ramp fueler, fate delivered the final blow: the nozzle didn’t click off. Jet fuel shot out like Old Faithful, dousing poor Dario in what scientists call “aviation eau de toilette.”
Now soaked, steaming, and two decibels short of a sonic boom, Dario entered the locker room smelling like a Molotov cocktail with a bad attitude.
THE “DISCUSSION”
The next day, Ramp Manager Pete “Drac” Cochran summoned Tim Gillard to his office. Dario was already there, glaring like a man who’d been left in cargo, betrayed by his brothers, and baptized in ExxonMobil.
Drac asked what happened.
Tim, like a true ramp lead martyr, said:
“I take full responsibility. Let the crew off the hook.”
Dario launched into a passionate, neck-vein-powered TED Talk on aviation safety that included:
- Colliding with another aircraft
- Asphyxiation in the cargo hold
- Spontaneous combustion from gasoline rage
- And a dramatic reenactment of the Tenerife Disaster
Tim, blinking slowly, replied:
“That was fog. On a runway. Not a joke during pushback in clear weather!”
Drac—somewhere between laughing and calling Transport Canada—gave his verdict:
“No official write-up… but you’re lucky the Captain didn’t declare a Category 7 Moron Event.”
EPILOGUE
Dario was sent to baggage for a few days to “cool off” (probably still smelled like unleaded anger), and though no formal discipline was issued, legend has it…
Dario Carlucci never forgave Tim Gillard.
(And every time someone fueled a tug, he flinched like it was NAM.)
Moral of the Story:
Always let the guy out of the belly.
Always check the nozzle.
And never mention Tenerife.
AAS Rating:
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 — 5 out of 5 flaming gas nozzles.
