Subhead:
How does a fully licensed, safety-vested adult earn a nickname that sounds like a barnyard predator with commitment issues? We got pecked, pooped on, and clucked at for answers.
The Story Inside:
Stuart Clare wasn’t always “Chicken Hawk.” Once, he was just a regular ramp rat with a bad haircut and an overinflated sense of confidence. But that all changed on one fateful night shift at Gate 104.
During break, Stuart strutted into the crew room, puffed up his safety vest, and declared:
“I don’t do the dirty flights—I swoop in, take the clean ones, and vanish. Like a hawk. A chicken hawk.”
Cue the sound of someone choking on a drumstick from yesterday’s rotisserie leftovers.
The name stuck harder than gum under a lav cart.
From that day forward, Stuart “Chicken Hawk” Clare became airport folklore.
Highlights include:
- Filing an incident report because a pigeon “stared him down.”
- Fainting when a roasted chicken fell out of an improperly sealed catering bin.
- Getting pecked by a therapy hen during “Bring Your Emotional Support Animal to Work” day.
And let’s not forget the KFC Catastrophe, where Stuart mistook the colonel statue for a ramp safety inspector and saluted it… for seven straight minutes.
Ramp Crew Quotes:
- “He’s got the bravery of a turkey and the dignity of a broken seatbelt.”
- “He once tried to unionize the chickens in Cargo.”
- “You ever seen a man scream ‘TANGO CHARLIE’ and dive behind a jet tug because a hen clucked too loud? I have.”
