From the Department of Cargo Holds, Coffins & Comedy Gold
Let us raise our orange vests in a moment of reflection… for Ted “Slab” Jeary, legendary ramp station attendant and the only man at Pearson Airport who could tow a 767 and embalm a corpse before his coffee break.
Ted wasn’t your typical rampie. While most of us came from retail jobs or flight school flunk-outs, Ted came from… a chain of funeral homes.
Yup. Funeral homes.
The Jeary Family Funeral Empire.
Ted was practically born in a hearse, swaddled in black linen, and given a pacifier shaped like an urn.
So naturally, when Ted showed up at Toronto Pearson to work on the ramp, everyone assumed he took a wrong turn at the embalming table.
His nickname?
“Slab.”
As in, “cold as a slab”.
Coined by the infamous Merv “Sausage Fingers” Ball, whose mitts were so big he once tried to scan a bag and accidentally rebooted the entire belt system.
Slab didn’t say much—but when he did, it was something like:
“Careful with that bag. Reminds me of Uncle Frank. We had to double-zip that one too.”
He was the calmest guy on the crew. You’d be screaming about a bag jam, a frozen tug, or a passenger meltdown at Door 4, and Ted would just mutter:
“Seen worse… back when I had to pick up a guy who died in a hot tub full of clam chowder.”
Weirdest thing? Slab was unflappable.
- Cargo hold full of rats? “Seen worse.”
- Broken lav cart gushing down the taxiway? “Smells better than my uncle’s wake in July.”
- Full load of “special handling” that included a coffin labeled “passenger not traveling alone”? “Better bring two straps.”
He had a sixth sense for shift delays, bag misroutes, and mysterious noises in the hold.
We’d ask him, “Ted, you sure this is safe?”
And he’d say:
“Buddy, if it ain’t safe… I got a guy for that.”
One time, a rookie fainted in the galley after discovering a leftover samosa in an overhead bin. Ted just dragged him out by the ankles, propped him up against a tug, and said:
“Let him air out. That’s what we used to do with the stiff ones too.”
Retirement? Oh, he’s long gone from the ramp now. Ted’s probably somewhere in rural Ontario, mowing his lawn in a black suit, sipping coffee from an urn-shaped mug, and quietly judging the embalming work on Netflix crime dramas.
But we remember Slab.
Because he was more than a rampie.
He was the only guy who made Pearson feel like a funeral… and somehow made that a good thing.
Coming Next in AAS: “Sausage Fingers & The Broken Belt of Doom” – The legend of Merv Ball, whose lunch hands were banned from three snack machines and two Airbus doors.
