INTRODUCTION:
Some people work at the airport.
Ken “Soupbone” Murray was the airport.
From the check-in counter to the deepest recesses of Mod M, if you heard laughter, chaos, or muffled shrieking… Soupbone wasn’t far. Usually shirt untucked, wit on fire, and dignity optional.
This isn’t just one story.
This is an entire safety training manual’s worth of warning labels disguised as a tribute.
CHAPTER 1: THE CIGAR HEIST OF MODEST DIGNITY
It was lunch. The Mod M breakroom.
A sacred, fluorescent-lit temple of greasy pizza, seat-hoarding lifers, and awkward silences.
Enter: Jerry “The Head.”
Top dog. Big cheese.
Cigar the size of a lav hose jammed in his face, ego even bigger.
He barks at a poor rookie (who looked suspiciously like Gags) to vacate his throne.
The room tenses.
Enter Soupbone.
He leans in, whispers, “Boss needs you outside.”
Jerry, irritated, leaves.
Soupbone doesn’t hesitate.
He grabs the cigar, drops his pants, and files it into an unholy hangar no Cubano ever deserved.
Moments later, Jerry returns, sits down, grabs the cigar…
AND TAKES A PUFF.
Soupbone: “Tastes like shit to me.”
Jerry: “HELL NO, I LIKE IT.”
The room erupts.
Three rampies had to be escorted out due to excessive wheezing.
CHAPTER 2: “SHIP ME TO BARBADOS”
-45°C. Wind chill that could exfoliate your soul.
Someone complained about the cold.
Soupbone?
He grabbed a BGI-tagged Air Shmengy kennel, climbed in, waved, and shouted:
“I’M GOING SOUTH — START HER UP!”
Gone.
Vanished into the odd-size belt like some half-drunk Houdini in hi-vis.
Three days later, he showed up at International Check-In with a tan and a grin.
“Had a dip in the ocean. Wanna see my tan lines?”
No one did. Ever again.
CHAPTER 3: THE TAPE CHRONICLES
Chickenhawk and RJ were stuck running the Rapidair priority chute.
Where was Soupbone?
He arrived. Wasted.
Singing “Sweet Caroline” and calling RJ “Susan.”
So they taped him to a chair.
Then taped his mouth.
He STILL managed to insult RJ’s haircut through interpretive eyebrow movements.
Moral of the story: Soupbone never drank on the job again.
He just hid the bottle better.
CHAPTER 4: THE EGG-CELLENT PRANK
Boyd brought hard-boiled eggs.
Soupbone swapped them with raw ones.
Cue: Boyd cracking an egg on the table, goo everywhere, swearing into a flip phone at his wife.
Soupbone? Laughing like he just invented comedy.
Boyd chased him. Soupbone ran.
Through carts, crew, and one very confused flight attendant.
Chaos.
Mayhem.
Oscar-worthy physical comedy.
CHAPTER 5: THE $50,000 BEER
Ken got fired for drinking on shift.
Came back a year later, sitting across from the same bar.
A tourist asked him, “Is it expensive here?”
Soupbone replied:
“Last round cost me fifty grand.”
CHAPTER 6: BRUCE VS. SOUP
Bruce Findlay, a forklift with legs, got so tired of Soupbone’s chirping…
He folded him like a lawn chair and stuffed him ass-first into a garbage can.
Soupbone popped out five minutes later and yelled:
“STILL FITS BETTER THAN MY UNIFORM!”
CHAPTER 7: HAIRCUT PHILOSOPHY
Soupbone once got a haircut during lunch.
A manager saw it and asked:
“Why are you getting your hair cut on shift?”
Soupbone:
“It grew on shift, didn’t it?”
EPILOGUE: THE LEGEND LIVES
Ken “Soupbone” Murray knew everyone at Terminal 2.
Loved by all. Hated by none.
He lived like he worked — loud, clever, impossible to forget.
And though he’s gone, every dented tug, every suspicious egg, every half-smoked cigar…
still whispers his name.
Rest in hilarity, Soupbone.
May heaven be warm, fully staffed, and cigar-free.
